Why You Keep Running From Love (And How to Stop)
Have you ever wondered why you keep attracting the same type of partner? Why you fall into the same relationship patterns, no matter how much you tell yourself, this time will be different?
It’s not a coincidence. It’s a pattern.
And that pattern? It’s not just about who you choose—it’s about who’s running the show inside your mind.
The Hidden Saboteurs of Love
Your brain has two modes: Survival (Saboteur) Mode and Sage Mode.
Survival Mode was built in childhood. It helped you navigate emotional pain, rejection, and fear. But in adulthood, it sabotages your ability to trust, connect, and love deeply.
Sage Mode is your higher self—the part of you that is wise, grounded, and resilient. This is where secure love lives.
But if you’ve been hurt before—especially in childhood—your Survival Mode Saboteurs may be dictating your love life without you even realizing it.
Let’s break them down.
1. The Restless Saboteur: Running to Avoid Pain
If you grew up in a chaotic, unsafe, or abusive environment, your nervous system adapted by always staying busy. Constant motion meant survival. Stillness felt dangerous.
As an adult, the Restless Saboteur keeps you distracted so you never have to face deep emotional wounds.
💬 “I don’t have time to deal with this.”
💬 “I’ll be happy when I find the right person.”
💬 “If this relationship isn’t exciting 24/7, something must be wrong.”
This saboteur can make love feel like a high-speed chase—constantly seeking, but never landing.
When things slow down, you might:
Lose interest in stable partners.
Jump from one relationship to the next.
Keep yourself overwhelmed with work, socializing, or distractions.
Sage Shift: Love is not about chasing—it’s about grounding. The next time you feel the urge to “escape” or “search for more,” pause. Breathe. Ask yourself: What feeling am I avoiding right now? The love you crave isn’t in the next big thing—it’s in learning to feel safe in stillness.
2. The Pleaser Saboteur: Earning Love Through Self-Sacrifice
If you were neglected in childhood—emotionally or physically—you may have learned that being good or taking care of others was the only way to receive love.
As an adult, this shows up as the Pleaser Saboteur.
💬 “If I make them happy, they won’t leave.”
💬 “I just want to be easygoing so they’ll love me.”
💬 “I don’t want to seem needy.”
This saboteur makes you:
Overextend yourself in relationships.
Struggle to express your own needs.
Stay in toxic relationships too long because you “don’t want to hurt them.”
Sage Shift: Love isn’t something you earn—it’s something you receive. Next time you feel the urge to “fix” or over-give, stop. Ask yourself: What do I actually need in this moment? True love honors you as much as you honor others.
3. The Hyper-Vigilant Saboteur: Expecting Love to Hurt
If love was unpredictable growing up—if one moment your caregiver was warm and the next they were cold—you may have developed Hyper-Vigilance as a survival mechanism.
Now, as an adult, you struggle to trust love because you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
💬 “They’re going to leave me, I just know it.”
💬 “This is too good to be true.”
💬 “I can’t let my guard down, or I’ll get hurt.”
This saboteur keeps you stuck in fight-or-flight mode in relationships:
You analyze every text, every word, every shift in tone.
You sabotage love before it can sabotage you.
You mistake emotional safety for “boredom” because drama feels like home.
Sage Shift: Love is not a battlefield—it’s a garden. Instead of assuming the worst, ask yourself: What if I let myself believe in love? The next time you feel anxious in a relationship, pause. Breathe. Instead of reacting, get curious. What if this time, love is actually safe?
4. The Avoider Saboteur: Keeping Love at Arm’s Length
If love in childhood was unreliable, suffocating, or painful, you might have learned that emotional distance equals safety.
Now, your Avoider Saboteur makes sure no one gets too close.
💬 “I don’t need anyone.”
💬 “I don’t do emotions.”
💬 “Relationships are too much drama.”
This saboteur makes you:
Emotionally shut down when things get deep.
Pull away when someone gets close.
Choose casual relationships over commitment.
Sage Shift: Vulnerability is not weakness—it’s strength. The next time you feel the urge to withdraw, ask yourself: What am I afraid of? Instead of running, lean in. Express something small. Let love in, little by little.
Breaking Free: Moving from Saboteur to Sage
Your love life is not doomed. Your patterns are not permanent. But change starts with awareness.
🔹 Step 1: Notice Your Saboteurs – Pay attention to the thoughts and behaviors that keep you stuck in love.
🔹 Step 2: Shift to Sage Mode – Instead of reacting, pause. Question the voice of fear. Choose curiosity over self-sabotage.
🔹 Step 3: Take One Small Action – If you’re restless, slow down. If you overgive, set a boundary. If you avoid emotions, open up—just a little.
💡 Final Reflection:
Which saboteur shows up the most in your relationships? What is one small way you can shift into Sage Mode today?
Real love—the kind that lasts, that feels safe, that allows you to be fully seen—begins when you stop living in survival mode and start choosing something greater. Are you ready?
My client Emma’s Journey from Avoidance to Connection
My client, Emma, 35, had one recurring theme in her relationships—she always felt like she was chasing love.
She’d meet someone. They’d seem interested. But after a few months, they’d start pulling away, and she’d do everything she could to prove she was worthy of love.
Sound familiar?
🔹 Emma’s Childhood Conditioning:
Emma grew up in a home where emotions were ignored. If she was upset, her parents either dismissed her feelings or told her to “stop being dramatic.” She learned that love wasn’t freely given—it had to be earned.
Her nervous system adapted by developing two major Saboteurs:
The Pleaser Saboteur – She learned that if she could make others happy, maybe she’d receive love in return.
The Avoider Saboteur – Because deep emotional expression wasn’t welcomed in her home, she learned to push down her own needs and focus on others instead.
🔹 How These Saboteurs Showed Up in Her Relationships:
In adulthood, Emma was unconsciously attracted to emotionally unavailable partners.
💬 Her Pleaser Saboteur whispered:
“If I just love them enough, they’ll stay.”
“I don’t want to ask for too much—I might push them away.”
“I’ll be easygoing so they don’t leave me.”
💬 Her Avoider Saboteur whispered:
“Talking about my needs makes me seem needy.”
“If I ignore my own feelings, I won’t get hurt.”
“Deep intimacy is scary—maybe I don’t really need it.”
As a result, she:
Tolerated inconsistent behavior because it felt normal.
Ignored red flags because deep down, she believed that if she just tried harder, she could make someone stay.
Overgave in relationships, while secretly feeling unseen, unappreciated, and emotionally exhausted.
🔹 Emma’s Breakthrough Moment:
In therapy, Emma had a painful realization:
💡 She wasn’t unlovable. She was just reliving an old story.
For the first time, she saw how her Pleaser Saboteur kept her in relationships where she had to earn love—just like in childhood. And how her Avoider Saboteur kept her disconnected from her own needs, preventing her from asking for the love she truly deserved.
🔹 How She Broke Free:
✅ She learned to express her needs without guilt. She realized that love isn’t something to earn—it’s something to receive.
✅ She stopped excusing emotional neglect. Instead of proving her worth, she set boundaries that honored her feelings.
✅ She started choosing emotionally available partners. She reprogrammed her nervous system to see stability as safe instead of boring.
Today, Emma is in a relationship where she feels heard, valued, and deeply connected. She no longer feels the need to prove she’s worthy of love—because she knows she always was.
💡 Reflection: If you see yourself in Emma’s story, ask yourself:
Where am I still chasing love?
Am I sacrificing my needs just to keep someone around?
What would it feel like to receive love without having to earn it?
Change starts with awareness. The love you want begins with you. 💖
Now that you see how your survival patterns have been shaping your love life, the real question is—what comes next? How do you break free and start creating a love story that actually serves you?
💡 If you’re ready to uncover the hidden patterns holding you back, send me an email for the Saboteur Assessment and find out which saboteurs are running your life. Awareness is the first step to transformation.
Tomorrow, on Valentine’s Day, we’re talking about exactly that: Self-love, setting new standards, and stepping into the love you truly deserve. It all begins with you. Stay tuned!
Comments