When you’ve been in a toxic relationship, it’s easy to lose sight of who you are.
The constant criticism, manipulation, or emotional abuse seeps into your mind, making you question your worth.
You’ve likely spent so much time walking on eggshells, bending yourself to meet the needs of someone who didn’t value you, that now you’re left feeling like a shadow of the person you used to be.
But here’s the truth you might not be ready to hear:
Your worth hasn’t disappeared nor has it diminished, no matter how that toxic relationship made you feel. You are still here, and your confidence can be rebuilt.
This isn’t just about recovering from the relationship, it’s about reclaiming yourself and learning to love and respect who you are again.
Let’s dive into three essential strategies to help you rebuild your confidence after the damage of a toxic relationship:
Self-compassion, positive self-talk, and setting healthy boundaries.
1. Embrace Self-Compassion: The Foundation of Healing
One of the first things to go in a toxic relationship is often your ability to be kind to yourself. You’re left blaming yourself for what went wrong, convinced that if only you had done things differently, maybe you wouldn’t be hurting now. But that’s the poison speaking, not the truth.
Self-compassion is the first and most essential step in rebuilding your self-esteem because it helps you acknowledge your pain without judgment. It’s about recognizing that what happened to you was not your fault, and more importantly, you don’t have to punish yourself for it.
Here’s how to start practicing self-compassion:
Acknowledge your emotions without guilt.
You have the right to feel hurt, angry, or confused.
These emotions are valid. By allowing yourself to feel them, you begin the process of healing.
Treat yourself like a friend. Imagine a friend came to you with the same story of heartache and betrayal. Would you tell them it’s their fault? Would you criticize them for not being enough? Of course not. You’d hold space for them, offer them love and understanding. That’s the kind of compassion you need to give yourself right now.
Remember:
You did the best you could in a situation that wasn’t healthy for you. Forgive yourself for staying longer than you should have, and focus on nurturing the person you are now.
2. Reframe Your Inner Dialogue with Positive Self-Talk
After experiencing constant put-downs or emotional manipulation, it’s common for your inner dialogue to become clouded with negativity. You might find yourself thinking:
“I’m not good enough,” or “I’ll never be able to trust anyone again.”
These thoughts feed into your low self-esteem and make it harder to break free from the toxic patterns you’ve internalized.
To rebuild your self-esteem, you must start rewriting the script in your mind.
Here’s how you can shift to positive self-talk:
Catch the negative thoughts. Start noticing when those self-critical thoughts pop up.
Do you feel a knot in your stomach when you look in the mirror? Do you criticize yourself for not being further along in your healing? Once you catch these thoughts, challenge them. Ask yourself:
“Is this really true, or is this my fear speaking?”
Reframe the narrative. Instead of focusing on what you perceive as failures, remind yourself of your strengths.
Instead of saying:
“I’m broken,” say, “I’m healing.” Instead of, “I’ll never find love,” say, “I am worthy of love, and I’m learning to love myself first.”
Use affirmations daily. Affirmations are powerful because they help retrain your mind to focus on the positive. Start with simple phrases like, “I am enough,” “I am strong,” or “I deserve respect.” Say them out loud, write them down, or put them somewhere visible. The more you repeat these affirmations, the more they’ll start to feel real.
Positive self-talk isn’t about ignoring the pain or pretending everything is fine. It’s about choosing to speak to yourself with kindness instead of cruelty. It’s about telling yourself the truth: that you are worthy, capable, and resilient.
3. Set Healthy Boundaries: Protecting Your Self-Worth
In a toxic relationship, boundaries often don’t exist, or if they do, they’re constantly violated. You might have been made to feel guilty for setting limits, or maybe you were told that your needs didn’t matter. Over time, this erodes your sense of self-worth, leaving you feeling like you have no right to ask for respect or space.
But now that you’re healing, it’s time to reclaim your right to boundaries. Healthy boundaries are not just about protecting yourself from others, they are about teaching yourself that your needs matter.
Here’s how to start setting healthy boundaries:
Identify your non-negotiables. Think about what you truly need to feel safe, respected, and valued in your relationships.
Is it having your personal space respected? Is it being able to express your emotions without fear of backlash?
Write these things down and make them non-negotiable.
Communicate your boundaries clearly. When you enter new relationships, or even with friends and family, be clear about what your boundaries are.
For example, if someone tries to dismiss your feelings, you can say, “I understand you have your perspective, but I need you to respect my feelings on this.”
Stick to your boundaries. It’s easy to set a boundary but hard to enforce it, especially if you’re used to people-pleasing or fearing rejection. But sticking to your boundaries is an act of self-love. It’s saying, “I matter enough to protect my peace.”
Boundaries are not walls—they are a form of care that allows you to engage with others without sacrificing yourself. They help you build relationships based on mutual respect, not control or manipulation.
The Journey of Rebuilding: You Are Worth the Effort
Rebuilding your confidence after a toxic relationship is not an overnight process, and that’s okay. It’s a journey of rediscovering your worth, redefining how you speak to yourself, and reclaiming your right to be treated with respect and kindness.
You are not broken, you are healing. And every step you take toward nurturing yourself, every moment of self-compassion, positive self-talk, and boundary-setting, is a testament to your strength.
You are worth the effort.
If you’re ready to take that next step in your healing journey and rebuild your self-esteem, know that you don’t have to do it alone. As a relationship and Positive Intelligence coach with Gottman Method training, I’m here to guide you through this process—helping you rediscover your strength, embrace your self-worth, and build a life filled with love, both from within and around you.
Exercises:
Exercise 1: Practicing Self-Compassion Through Daily Affirmations
Purpose:
This exercise helps embrace self-compassion by using daily affirmations that shift focus from self-criticism to kindness and understanding.
Instructions:
Each morning, find a quiet space where you can be alone with your thoughts. Sit comfortably and take a few deep breaths.
Write down three affirmations that resonate with you, such as:
“I am worthy of love and respect.”
“I forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made.”
“I am healing, one step at a time.”
Say these affirmations aloud, slowly and with intention. As you speak, imagine yourself absorbing the truth of these words, feeling them resonate within your heart.
Whenever you catch yourself being overly critical throughout the day, pause, take a breath, and repeat one of your affirmations to remind yourself of your inherent worth.
Reflection:
By embracing self-compassion, you’re learning to give yourself the same kindness you’d offer a friend. With practice, these affirmations will become the gentle voice that guides you through your healing process.
Exercise 2: Rewriting Your Inner Dialogue
Purpose:
This exercise helps transform your inner critic into a source of support by reframing negative self-talk into positive, empowering statements.
Instructions:
Start by identifying a negative belief you often tell yourself.
Maybe it’s “I’m not good enough,” or “I’ll never be loved again.”
Write it down.
Now, reflect on where this belief comes from.
Was it a message you internalized during your toxic relationship? Or perhaps even earlier in life?
On a new page, rewrite that belief as a positive statement.
For example, “I am not good enough” becomes “I am more than enough, just as I am.”
Practice this whenever a negative thought arises.
Write the new, positive version down and repeat it to yourself in the mirror, with the conviction that this is the truth.
Reflection:
Your inner dialogue shapes how you see yourself and the world. By rewriting negative beliefs, you’re actively taking control of your narrative and building a new story—one where you are worthy, strong, and capable of healing.
Exercise 3: Setting Healthy Boundaries—A Commitment to Yourself
Purpose:
This exercise empowers you to set healthy boundaries as an act of self-respect, helping you to reclaim control over your emotional well-being.
Instructions:
Reflect on moments in your past relationships where you felt your boundaries were crossed.
How did that make you feel? What did you need in those moments to feel safe and respected?
Write down three specific boundaries that you will commit to moving forward.
For example:
“I will no longer tolerate dishonesty.”
“I will ask for time and space when I feel overwhelmed.”
“I will say no when something doesn’t align with my values.”
Share these boundaries with someone you trust—someone who will support and encourage you in upholding them.
Practice communicating these boundaries in everyday situations, even when it feels uncomfortable. Remind yourself that your needs are valid, and respecting them is an act of self-love.
Reflection:
Setting boundaries is not about pushing people away; it’s about protecting your heart and creating a safe space for healing. You have the right to choose what feels safe and supportive for you.
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